All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be someone I could be proud of. I wanted to be successful and admirable. I honestly didn't come from much. My father worked odd jobs, and did his best to put food on the table. The roof leaked, the ceiling was falling in, and the old truck rattled and smoked; but we always had food. My dad always encouraged me to do my best in school, so I wouldn't always have to live like we did. I maintained straight A's most of the way through school. It made my dad so proud. Somehow he would always save money for the end of every semester, and the deal was, if I made straight A's, he would give my $50. He made me feel like I really had a chance at a bright future in this often dim world.
When I was 12 my father passed away. It really rocked my world. I didn't show it outwardly so much because my sister was only 5 years old at the time, and my mother has a serious psychological condition. I felt like it was my obligation to stay strong for my sister. As would be expected, things became even more difficult for us. My mother was left trying to take care of my sister and me on her disability check. It was so hard to watch her struggle through. I know it might make me sound like a jerk, but sometimes I would try to imagine that I wasn't a part of this struggle. I would pretend I was someone else, observing from the outside.
I've always wanted to beat the odds. 1 in 7 people in the United States lives in poverty, and very few ever make it out. Even at an early age I felt a strong desire to help other people who were in my position. I wanted to make my dad proud. I wanted to be a good example and an inspiration for my younger sister. I wanted to be able to buy all of those things for my mom that she had to put back. And I wanted to prove to myself that it was possible.
Despite my efforts, there are a lot of times when I feel like I'm not making any headway at all. I just feel stuck. And it makes me feel like a disappointment to those around me, and a massive disappointment to myself. It's somehow easy to forget that only a few years ago I didn't have a vehicle, walked five miles to work everyday, and lived in a crumbling studio apartment with no heat. So I suppose I ought to be thankful for the progress I've made. But I still feel like I am nowhere close to where I would like to be. And as I get older, I have this intense fear that my chances of achieving my goals are decreasing. One thing that helps me through these times is a message a man sent me a couple years ago when I was at my lowest:
"April, although I don't know you, and I am also not very good at giving advice.... I saw your recent post about being at the bottom and feeling overwhelmed, and it touched me. I am a lot older than you, but here's what I can tell you. Right now I'm a partner in a large law firm, I own my own painting studio, a vacation home, I live in a very nice condo. I went to law school and also have degrees in art and English. I have a wonderful daughter, I date beautiful women (way better than I deserve). Everything I own I have paid for. In short, I have a pretty good life.
I'm telling you all this because I have also been so poor that I rolled my own cigarettes, and could only afford brown rice to eat. I broke my neck and took four months to learn how to walk again; lived on disability payments, worked as a factory worker, janitor, dishwasher; moved in and out of relationships; lived in an old schoolhouse out in the country; drank a lot of bourbon -- just been on the bottom a lot.
So make of that what you will. I don't know, but you seem like a candidate for good things. You're smart, articulate, beautiful, ambitious, and seem like an overall nice person. I think you're in a good position. The only thing you can do is try to get out of your comfort zone. And try and see all opportunities; those you create and those that just come along, and take advantage of them -- all of them!"
I don't know this man and likely never will, but he reached out to me once. And that one time, has given me hope, and has served to bring me back from dark thoughts multiple times. He'll never understand how much good he has done and how much I truly owe him.
