Most of the time when I look back on my life, although I know the memories are my own, it feels like I am looking at a thousand different lives. I can feel almost exactly the same as I felt at any moment when I recall that particular moment; but in a bizarre way it almost feels more like a deep empathy... for someone else.
It's interesting to me how we become so caught up in our current lives, we start to feel like we are dreadfully mundane -- like there isn't anything special about us. When someone asks what's knew in your life, you do a quick scan of your recent events; and oftentimes nothing seems significant. And even if there is something significant to you, you feel as if it wouldn't be to the other person I know personally I think I'm dreadfully boring, I typically do the same things everyday: work, pay bills... (meh... boring). And I generally keep to myself, which I've truly always thought was due to my boring existence. Why would anyone care to know someone so undistinguished? But we always seem to forget that however mundane we may feel we are, we are constantly changing.
The funniest thing is although I feel boring today; I look at previous phases in my life, and I wonder how on earth anyone could have had any interest in befriending such a weirdo. Or I find myself worrying about the qualities I feel I've lost over time, such as the appreciation I felt for the smallest things. For example, when I didn't have a vehicle, I would get so excited about just getting a soda at a convenient store on the walk home from work. It was honestly the highlight of my day! haha Or the seemingly endless reservoir of passion I used to pour into the things I loved. I would stay up all night on a regular basis drawing, writing, or taking photos. I never got tired of it or ran out of ideas. Sometimes I rack my brain trying to figure out what happened to diminish those qualities... I guess "life" happened. I am sure in a few years I will look back on who I am today and wonder, once again, "what the heck happened?"
C.S. Lewis wrote, : "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." And I don't think he could have said it any better.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Life, Inexorably
I have noticed that most everyone I know feels that if they were given the opportunity to go back in their lives, there is at least one thing they would do differently. And they feel that alteration would improve their present state. When I think about my own past, there are several things I wish I could change or erase completely. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm not so sure it would alter my present reality so much. Being that even if you go back and make changes, you are still you. If you were to alter an event in your life, it would inevitably affect subsequent events. This would put you in situations you had not previously been in. And since this would be your first encounter with these events, you are likely to make decisions you will later be unsatisfied with. I think that you being who you are, would make similar decisions to the ones you have made before. And it is highly probable these new life events would lead you to the same or a very similar situation to the one you are already in.
I'm not entirely sure if I believe there is some sort of predetermined path for our lives. But I do believe our patterns of behavior are likely to bring us face to face with the same issues. In the same way we as a society believe events in history should have been handled differently, Yet repeatedly, we face the same issues we have faced throughout history. They may manifest in a different form, but they are essentially the same.
I'm not entirely sure if I believe there is some sort of predetermined path for our lives. But I do believe our patterns of behavior are likely to bring us face to face with the same issues. In the same way we as a society believe events in history should have been handled differently, Yet repeatedly, we face the same issues we have faced throughout history. They may manifest in a different form, but they are essentially the same.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Potential
I don't think I'll ever understand why people feel the need to tear each other down. Maybe it stems from a time when we had to compete for survival. But that isn't the case today. There are enough resources for everyone. And when it comes to aspirations, most of us aren't competing or the exact same things anyway; so there exists no benefit in making someone feel as if they are of a lesser value. I truly feel that we all have great capabilities and potential. We all know how difficult it can be to maintain faith in ourselves. Most of us know what it is like to feel like no one believes in our capabilities, We also know how tremendously helpful it can be to have even just one person who believes in our potential.
Life is difficult enough already. When someone feels overwhelmed by adversity, it can feel like they're in the bottom of a well. And instead of helping, people look down and cast stones. That one person could serve as a rope. If a majority of us had faith in one another, it's likely nobody would end up in the well in the first place. Of course we can't force the majority to see what they do not wish to see. But as individuals, we can offer our faith and encouragement. Before you cast your stone, remember the times you were in the well; and throw in your rope.
Life is difficult enough already. When someone feels overwhelmed by adversity, it can feel like they're in the bottom of a well. And instead of helping, people look down and cast stones. That one person could serve as a rope. If a majority of us had faith in one another, it's likely nobody would end up in the well in the first place. Of course we can't force the majority to see what they do not wish to see. But as individuals, we can offer our faith and encouragement. Before you cast your stone, remember the times you were in the well; and throw in your rope.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Small Things
Has anyone ever done something for you that possibly didn't seem like much to them; but it meant so much more than to you than they could ever possibly know?
All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be someone I could be proud of. I wanted to be successful and admirable. I honestly didn't come from much. My father worked odd jobs, and did his best to put food on the table. The roof leaked, the ceiling was falling in, and the old truck rattled and smoked; but we always had food. My dad always encouraged me to do my best in school, so I wouldn't always have to live like we did. I maintained straight A's most of the way through school. It made my dad so proud. Somehow he would always save money for the end of every semester, and the deal was, if I made straight A's, he would give my $50. He made me feel like I really had a chance at a bright future in this often dim world.
When I was 12 my father passed away. It really rocked my world. I didn't show it outwardly so much because my sister was only 5 years old at the time, and my mother has a serious psychological condition. I felt like it was my obligation to stay strong for my sister. As would be expected, things became even more difficult for us. My mother was left trying to take care of my sister and me on her disability check. It was so hard to watch her struggle through. I know it might make me sound like a jerk, but sometimes I would try to imagine that I wasn't a part of this struggle. I would pretend I was someone else, observing from the outside.
I've always wanted to beat the odds. 1 in 7 people in the United States lives in poverty, and very few ever make it out. Even at an early age I felt a strong desire to help other people who were in my position. I wanted to make my dad proud. I wanted to be a good example and an inspiration for my younger sister. I wanted to be able to buy all of those things for my mom that she had to put back. And I wanted to prove to myself that it was possible.
Despite my efforts, there are a lot of times when I feel like I'm not making any headway at all. I just feel stuck. And it makes me feel like a disappointment to those around me, and a massive disappointment to myself. It's somehow easy to forget that only a few years ago I didn't have a vehicle, walked five miles to work everyday, and lived in a crumbling studio apartment with no heat. So I suppose I ought to be thankful for the progress I've made. But I still feel like I am nowhere close to where I would like to be. And as I get older, I have this intense fear that my chances of achieving my goals are decreasing. One thing that helps me through these times is a message a man sent me a couple years ago when I was at my lowest:
"April, although I don't know you, and I am also not very good at giving advice.... I saw your recent post about being at the bottom and feeling overwhelmed, and it touched me. I am a lot older than you, but here's what I can tell you. Right now I'm a partner in a large law firm, I own my own painting studio, a vacation home, I live in a very nice condo. I went to law school and also have degrees in art and English. I have a wonderful daughter, I date beautiful women (way better than I deserve). Everything I own I have paid for. In short, I have a pretty good life.
I'm telling you all this because I have also been so poor that I rolled my own cigarettes, and could only afford brown rice to eat. I broke my neck and took four months to learn how to walk again; lived on disability payments, worked as a factory worker, janitor, dishwasher; moved in and out of relationships; lived in an old schoolhouse out in the country; drank a lot of bourbon -- just been on the bottom a lot.
So make of that what you will. I don't know, but you seem like a candidate for good things. You're smart, articulate, beautiful, ambitious, and seem like an overall nice person. I think you're in a good position. The only thing you can do is try to get out of your comfort zone. And try and see all opportunities; those you create and those that just come along, and take advantage of them -- all of them!"
I don't know this man and likely never will, but he reached out to me once. And that one time, has given me hope, and has served to bring me back from dark thoughts multiple times. He'll never understand how much good he has done and how much I truly owe him.
All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be someone I could be proud of. I wanted to be successful and admirable. I honestly didn't come from much. My father worked odd jobs, and did his best to put food on the table. The roof leaked, the ceiling was falling in, and the old truck rattled and smoked; but we always had food. My dad always encouraged me to do my best in school, so I wouldn't always have to live like we did. I maintained straight A's most of the way through school. It made my dad so proud. Somehow he would always save money for the end of every semester, and the deal was, if I made straight A's, he would give my $50. He made me feel like I really had a chance at a bright future in this often dim world.
When I was 12 my father passed away. It really rocked my world. I didn't show it outwardly so much because my sister was only 5 years old at the time, and my mother has a serious psychological condition. I felt like it was my obligation to stay strong for my sister. As would be expected, things became even more difficult for us. My mother was left trying to take care of my sister and me on her disability check. It was so hard to watch her struggle through. I know it might make me sound like a jerk, but sometimes I would try to imagine that I wasn't a part of this struggle. I would pretend I was someone else, observing from the outside.
I've always wanted to beat the odds. 1 in 7 people in the United States lives in poverty, and very few ever make it out. Even at an early age I felt a strong desire to help other people who were in my position. I wanted to make my dad proud. I wanted to be a good example and an inspiration for my younger sister. I wanted to be able to buy all of those things for my mom that she had to put back. And I wanted to prove to myself that it was possible.
Despite my efforts, there are a lot of times when I feel like I'm not making any headway at all. I just feel stuck. And it makes me feel like a disappointment to those around me, and a massive disappointment to myself. It's somehow easy to forget that only a few years ago I didn't have a vehicle, walked five miles to work everyday, and lived in a crumbling studio apartment with no heat. So I suppose I ought to be thankful for the progress I've made. But I still feel like I am nowhere close to where I would like to be. And as I get older, I have this intense fear that my chances of achieving my goals are decreasing. One thing that helps me through these times is a message a man sent me a couple years ago when I was at my lowest:
"April, although I don't know you, and I am also not very good at giving advice.... I saw your recent post about being at the bottom and feeling overwhelmed, and it touched me. I am a lot older than you, but here's what I can tell you. Right now I'm a partner in a large law firm, I own my own painting studio, a vacation home, I live in a very nice condo. I went to law school and also have degrees in art and English. I have a wonderful daughter, I date beautiful women (way better than I deserve). Everything I own I have paid for. In short, I have a pretty good life.
I'm telling you all this because I have also been so poor that I rolled my own cigarettes, and could only afford brown rice to eat. I broke my neck and took four months to learn how to walk again; lived on disability payments, worked as a factory worker, janitor, dishwasher; moved in and out of relationships; lived in an old schoolhouse out in the country; drank a lot of bourbon -- just been on the bottom a lot.
So make of that what you will. I don't know, but you seem like a candidate for good things. You're smart, articulate, beautiful, ambitious, and seem like an overall nice person. I think you're in a good position. The only thing you can do is try to get out of your comfort zone. And try and see all opportunities; those you create and those that just come along, and take advantage of them -- all of them!"
I don't know this man and likely never will, but he reached out to me once. And that one time, has given me hope, and has served to bring me back from dark thoughts multiple times. He'll never understand how much good he has done and how much I truly owe him.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Autumn Phrontistery
I've always loved the onset of fall. There is something profoundly refreshing and inspiring, but also something powerfully reminiscent in that cool breeze. I feel as though my mind is submerged in a sea of memories. When the wind rustles through the leaves, I imagine water lapping on the shore. When the cool air washes over my body, I close my eyes, and I am immersed. I feel a strange sense of freedom and bliss as I watch the light grow fainter through the surface, and I allow myself to glide into the depths.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Above the Water
There are times when it feels like you can barely get your head above the water. Like every time you think it can't possibly get worse; you couldn't possibly handle any more weight around your ankles, and then something else comes along and attaches. It's times like these that truly test who we are and define our futures. You can focus on that weight and let it pull you under, or you can keep looking up towards the light, and air, and freedom on the surface; and let it inspire you to rise above.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Slowly Seeping Smoke Slips In
Sailing swiftly down sidewalks, she silently studied her sensibilities. Startled by streaking cats shrieking sparrows, and the sounds of soaring 'simple machines' (not so simple anymore). Stopping to sit on a stoop, she swam visually through the slithers of silver sliding over the surface of the side of a settling steeple. A seemingly sudden stream of something unknown swept across shards of stained glass, staining symbols of what once was. Soon enough the substance saturated her size six shoe ships, submerging sleepy sailors.
Seeking something substantial, she stared at her sinking soldiers and sighed, shuddering at the sound of her own exhalation. As the wind sang softly, she felt her breath was strangely out of sync. It felt like suffocating smoke, silkily seducing the alarm, triggering the sirens, softening the songs of the atmosphere, stifling them into silence.
Seeking something substantial, she stared at her sinking soldiers and sighed, shuddering at the sound of her own exhalation. As the wind sang softly, she felt her breath was strangely out of sync. It felt like suffocating smoke, silkily seducing the alarm, triggering the sirens, softening the songs of the atmosphere, stifling them into silence.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
